


I love you; I don't think I'll be okay.

by marissastyleshyfr



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-04
Updated: 2013-07-04
Packaged: 2017-12-17 15:38:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/869167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marissastyleshyfr/pseuds/marissastyleshyfr





	I love you; I don't think I'll be okay.

Day 1: My mom just came home with this dumb little journal. Ten minutes ago your mom called. She didn’t say why, just that it was important I meet her at the hospital. I’m writing this in my mom’s car. I hope everything is okay. Maybe Gemma’s gone into labor. I hope she has, because then everything’s okay. We have a date tonight, Mr. Styles. Don’t think I forgot. We should pass this journal back and forth. Cliché? Maybe, but after all love is cliché. Anyway, we just got here. I love you! I can’t wait for tonight. 

Day 15: They say when you die your soul crosses over but I hope your soul is still here. How was I supposed to know that I’d never get to speak to you again? I listened to your voicemail for the hundredth time. **_Hiiii poop head. You never answer your phone. My very pregnant and very scary and very hungry sister has demanded I take her to eat so change of plans; we’ll have a movie date tonight. Call me back, I love you._** Your voice was so happy. Little did you know, your life would end six hours later. I miss you. Have I said that already? I do. You’re all I think about. I’m like a walking zombie. I swear sometimes I feel like you’re going to text me that this was all a joke. And I would be so happy that I wouldn’t even be (that) mad. I don’t feel like writing anymore. I love you; I don’t think I’ll be okay. 

Day 23:  I did it today. I finally got the courage to press the cool metal razor to my skin. The blood and the paleness of my skin was an intoxicating color. It was a rush; I think I want to do it again. But for now I’m going to talk to you. My mom asked me if I was okay, again. I swear I’m beginning to think that’s her favorite phrase. Am I okay? No. I don’t think I ever will be. It’s easier to ignore her though. My life is kind of empty right now. I don’t have anything to be happy about. I don’t know. I talked to Gemma today. She had her baby and she named him Caden. I’ll probably visit her and Anne soon. I haven’t seen them since your burial. In a way seeing them makes me feel like I’m seeing you. I just want to go to your house and lay in your bed but I don’t know if your mom wants anything in there to be perturbed. I feel hopeless. This funk I’m in doesn’t seem to be getting better. It’s only been 23 days since you left and it feels like forever. I wish that I could kiss you one last time and run my fingers through your unruly curls. You hated when I made fun of the fact that you had coconut shampoo but, I think you knew I secretly loved it. I’ll have to ask my mom to pick some up at the store. She’s calling me for dinner (which I will pretend to enjoy for her and my father’s benefit). ‘Til next time. I love you; I don’t think I’ll be okay. 

Day 26: My skin is raw. I keep picking at it. It’s fascinating to me how I can make myself bleed. Is that morbid? Yeah, it is. I went to the cemetery today. You still don’t have a headstone. So I sat there talking to a mound of dirt probably looking like a fool. My mom called me while I was with you. She said if I needed anything to let her know. Well mom, I need my boyfriend to come back to life but I don’t think you can make that happen. I hate that I’m so hostile toward her (and everyone for that matter) but I just want everyone to be miserable like I am. I’m going to see Gemma in a little while. Louis is going to pick me up. He misses you too Harry. I think I’m going to ask your mom if I can take a few of your shirts. Hopefully she agrees or else I’m going to have to steal them. Kidding, but I really do want a few. I can’t get the image of your puffed u, black and blue face out of my mind. I want to lay with you and trace your dumb tattoos and tell you how dumb I think they are but that I secretly always loved them. I think I just heard Louis honk so I’m going to go. I love you; I don’t think I’ll be okay. 

Day 27:  Caden is so cute Harry. He has a head full of curls just like you. Gemma made his middle name Harry. Caden Harry. Cute name huh? Gemma’s husband looks at her the way you looked at me. I was a little jealous. Anne let me take some shirts. She said I could always come to her for anything. At this point, I think I’ll take her up on that offer. You had a really lovely family babe. I don’t know if you knew that or not but you did. Anne said she thought we were going to get married and I told her that I did too. She told me that whenever I’m ready to move on, they’ll be behind me one-thousand percent and I told her not to worry, I wasn’t going to ever move on. She smiled sadly and then made me a sandwich. Louis visited with me as well. He was sad and sassy, like he always is. He and Anne exchanged stories of you two when you were little toddlers barely learning to walk. Louis said you’d always want to play cops. I can believe that. You wanted to be a cop after all. It’s kind of ironic that you died speeding when cops are the ones who prevent that. I remember the call so clearly Harry. I thought Gemma was in labor until I got to the hospital and she was still very pregnant. I knew something was wrong with you. Your mom sadly came up to me and told me what happened. You were speeding (I hated when you speeded, I hated when you didn’t listen when I said slow down) and you turned a corner going too fast which in turn caused your car to flip three times. You were ejected, she said. And finally, she didn’t know if you’d make it. I begged to see you. I practically got on my hands and knees before your mom agreed. You were hooked up to more machines than I cared to remember and your perfect face was puffy and black and blue. Your hair (and a lot of you) was covered in blood that no one bothered to wipe away. I still kissed you though. My heart broke because I knew you were barely hanging on. My heart broke because if only you’d listened to me when I said not to speed you would still be alive, but most of all my heart broke because you slipped away from me and I didn’t even tell you I loved you one last time. So, I love you; I don’t think I’ll be okay. 

Day 35: I’m sorry I haven’t written you. My mom found my journal and she’s shipping me off to some psyche ward. I agreed to go, but only if I could bring this journal so she’s going to let me. I don’t want to talk to people about what’s wrong with me. I’ve heard about these hospitals and to be honest, they all seem nosey. They don’t want to fix me Harry; they want to know why I was broken in the first place. My mom says it’s like grief counseling away from home but I know it’s more of a rehab thing now that she knows I cut myself. I don’t need grief counseling although maybe rehab would help. I don’t want to die Harry. I know that would mean seeing you, but I don’t want to die yet. I have to go, I’m leaving right now. I love you; I don’t think I’ll be okay. 

Day 55: Hiiiiii. I keep forgetting to write in here. I got out of the hospital today so I’m really happy about that. I didn’t write the whole time I was there because I didn’t think I’d be okay reading the first few entries I had. But, I’m okay. Well, on the outside I am. They made me talk about you. Made me tell everyone what happened. The sympathy looks on their faces almost drove me crazy. It’s not like I’m the only one whose idiotic boyfriend couldn’t drive and ended up dead. Actually, now that I think about it I’ve never heard of something like what happened to you. Anyway…I’m kind of mad at you for leaving me. We planned out a life together Harry. I’m turning 21 in a few days and I can’t think of anything I’d rather do then get absolutely shit faced and think of how much my life sucks. I told Anne that we discussed children and she broke down. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I don’t know. I go back to college in two weeks. I can’t wait. (Sarcasm) I love you; I don’t think I’ll be okay. 

Day 107:  So I totally lost this and barely found it today. It was hidden in a pile in my room. Is it weird that I found it today? Because today also happens to be our three year anniversary. I ate at Taco Bell (because you loved it) and then I took you a flower. Not too much but still something. Your headstone looks nice. It has a picture of you smiling etched onto it. When I saw it I couldn’t breathe and I think I had an anxiety attack. Who knows? My mom keeps track of me everywhere I go so she was with me at the cemetery today. Oh yeah, she bought me the coconut shampoo you loved. She didn’t say much. It was a little bit awkward because she doesn’t understand why I love you so much. Anyway, your nephew Caden is growing into the most handsome baby. He’s three months old now. He has shiny pink gums and dimples that I think are bigger than yours. I can imagine you holding him and him wrapping his little hands around your fingers. His smile makes my heart swell; you’d love him a lot too. Gemma and I hang out quite often. I hope Derek doesn’t mind. I love her Harry. She’s like a sister to me, too. And your mom, I love her too. They knew parts of you that I didn’t and I’m starting to realize I’m not completely alone. They share my grief. I think your mom has it worst of all. I can’t imagine losing a child. It seems like the hole in my heart is getting bigger and bigger. I love you; I don’t think I’ll be okay.  
Day108: Today was hard. I can’t do this anymore I don’t have the strength. I’m sorry. I don’t want to let you down. I love you; I don’t think I’ll be okay. 

Day 198:  I’m sorry I haven’t written. My lovely (awful) mother sent me back to the hospital. I guess I went crazy and grabbed a kitchen knife and slashed every part of my body that I could before my bitch of a mom came in. She threatened to burn this journal but I told her without it I’d die. I guess she’s letting me have it because she hasn’t bothered me since I came home. It was the same old shit in the hospital. I breezed through the treatment. I knew everything they wanted to hear and I said it. My body is ugly. It’s marked with scars of pain and I swear I live in long sleeves and skinny jeans. I called Gemma but she didn’t answer. Maybe she’s tired of me. I hear my mom talking on the phone. She’s telling someone I just spent ninety days in the hospital and that she doesn’t know how to help me. Well mom, you can help me by leaving me alone. You’re dead Harry. For the first time today, I screamed it out loud. “My boyfriend’s dead. He’s dead.” And it felt good. Maybe I’ll do it more often. Just kidding, of course. I don’t want to be viewed as more crazy than I already am. I dropped out of college. You would be so proud. (More sarcasm) Well, I’m going to let you go. I need to catch up on sleep. (And maybe, if I’m lucky) I won’t wake up. 

Day 207: I watched some videos of us I found on my camera. We were so stupidly in love. When I heard your voice, saw you walking, biting your lip, I was overcome with the worst sadness I’ve ever felt in my life. I pressed my hand onto the computer screen, and foolishly thought maybe I’d be able to touch you. I wish I could. I’ve lost thirty pounds. My mom tries to force me to eat. I hate her. She’s annoying. I haven’t talked to Gemma or Anne either. They’re probably tired of my bullshit. I would be too. Anyway, I’ll see you soon though. I don’t want to be alive anymore. Nothing is getting better. I love you; it’s not okay. 

Day 215: Niall and Lou popped in today. They told me I looked like a walking skeleton. I showed them the videos and they cried with me. You touched so many people’s lives. Not only mine was left empty by your passing, but Niall and Louis and everyone else who had the pleasure of knowing you. It’s been seven months since that day in the hospital. I told God that day if he let you live; I’d never do anything bad ever again. And I would’ve kept my promise only the fact that you’re six feet under proves God doesn’t exist. I remember when the monitor you were attached to started beeping and I woke up out of my somewhat peaceful sleep. Excuse us ma’am. And we (Gemma, Anne, and Robin) were pushed to the side. What’s going on? I asked in a panic. No one answered me. The doctor checked his watch. **_Time of death for patient is 1:45:05 A.M._** Then my life ended and I was catapulted into this darkness. I love you, always and forever, it’s not okay. 

Day 218: I talked to your sister today. I told her I was tired of being sad. She said she was tired of being sad, too. I told her I think I was sadder and she gave me this long talk about how killing myself wasn’t the answer. I told her I wasn’t going to kill myself but we both knew I wasn’t being completely honest. Some people might say “It’s just a boy. People these days, I swear.” But, you weren’t just a boy Harry. You were everything to me. I was beyond in love with you; we were best friends, lovers, soul mates, any other term to describe someone you love more than yourself. Its weird how once you died I loved you like a thousand times more and I didn’t think that was possible. Our friends always used to tease us for being so lovey dovey. I think they were jealous of us. And all those girls I had to fight off. You were a hit with the ladies, you little stud. I’ll never forget that time I beat up Ashley Clark because she tried to put the moves on you. They should’ve known you were mine. God how I miss you. Anyway, I’m going to sleep. I love you; it’s not okay. 

Day 234: My hands won’t stop shaking. I tried cocaine. It was intense. You’d be so upset with me, wouldn’t you? Cara gave it to me. I know you disliked her but she’s my friend so I decided to go to a party. I sniffed it through my nose and then I was floating in space. I wasn’t thinking about you, for once, so I think I’m going to try it again. Just a little bit though, because I don’t want to become a coke head. Louis saw me at the party and he also saw me snort the smack. The look on his face was priceless. I thought he was going to kill me. He stomped across the room. **_What the fuck are you doing? Are you fucking crazy? Get up._** He pulled my arm but I was too doped up to stop him. ** _You’ve really lost your Goddamn mind. Harry would be so disappointed._** That snapped me out of my trance. I punched him and ran out of the house before crashing on some random person’s lawn. They kindly woke me up and told me if I got out of their neighborhood they wouldn’t call the cops. I tried to call Louis and apologize but he didn’t answer. I guess I lost someone else. Oh well, I should be used to it right? You left me Harry. I’m still mad at you. I have to go. Cara’s calling. I love you; don’t be mad at me. 

Day 265: Wow. I totally forgot I had this thing. I’ve been hanging out with Cara a lot. She helps me with my problems. (She lets me smoke coke) I really like hanging out with here. (She lets me smoke coke) My mom hates her (!!!) I have to tell you something. I had sex with someone. It felt dirty and wrong because it wasn’t you. But I needed to get high and I had no money. It won’t happen again. (Unless I’m desperate) The girl I used to be seems so far away. In one hundred day’s it’ll be a year since you left. I don’t know how I’m going to handle that. (I’ll probably get high) Harry, I miss you. But it seems like lately I have enough distractions to keep you off my mind. I know drugs are supposed to make you feel better but they just make me want to die even more. I saw Gemma at the store. Your nephew is ten months old now. She asked me if I was okay. What’s with everyone asking me if I’m okay? Of course I’m not okay. You lose your boyfriend in a gruesome, terrible, awful, sudden way and then let me know if you’re okay. She told me your mom asks about me a lot. I told her I’d come over for dinner one day but I probably won’t. I’m embarrassed for them to see how pathetic I am. (Dependent on drugs? That’s me) I love you; I’m sorry.

Day 304: It seems like I write in here less and less. I’m surprised I haven’t lost it yet. Cara showed me heroin. She told me it wasn’t a drug to mess with but I tried it. It was trippy. I’m so sorry I disappointed you. I bought these pills from Cara called ecstasy. She gave me ten and I looked up on google that more than six can make you overdose. Guess what? I’m coming to join you baby. I don’t know if I’ll get into heaven though, so maybe I won’t see you in the afterlife. 

Day 334: Today is the day. I was going to wait until your one year anniversary but yesterday I was smoking with Cara and this sorry excuse of a man came onto me and I rejected his advances but obviously he didn’t listen and well…I’m sure you can guess what happened. I feel worthless. You were the only person I made love with. The other guys were against my will. I feel so dirty Harry. They didn’t make me feel good like you did. I wrote letters to Gemma, Anne, my mom, my dad, Louis, and Niall. They’re the only ones who gave a shit about me when I went downhill. I told them I was sorry for what I did, and I let them know that it had nothing to do with them. I know Anne and Gemma will suffer because they lost you and me…now that I think about we’re kind of like Romeo and Juliet. Except you didn’t kill yourself. Or maybe you did because you were speeding, either way I’m leaving the earth today. I don’t know if anyone will miss me. They’ll most likely call me crazy but I don’t really care. I get to be pain free and hopefully reunite with you and punch you because you were speeding. I love you, I always will. You were my first love, my first everything. Before you died, I was happy, looking forward to college and a life with you and now that I’m about to die I’m depressed beyond fix, a drug addict, a low-key prostitute, and overall a shitty person. Will you still want me in heaven if you’ve been watching over everything I’ve done? I wish I could turn back time. I have the pills in my hand. I’m going to listen to that voicemail you left me and then die hopefully. I don’t want my family to find me, but I guess they will. And I know my mom will read this and think “Where did I go wrong?” and I want her to know that she didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just a bird with broken wings barely hanging on. I’m ready to leave. I love you; I’ll see you soon. **_Hiiii poop head. You never answer your phone. My very pregnant and very scary and very hungry sister has demanded I take her to eat so change of plans; we’ll have a movie date tonight. Call me back, I love you._**  
***


End file.
